I’m really mad at the universe these days. I feel like I’m trying really hard and still, it doesn’t seem to be willing to grant me credit for my efforts. All it seems to be doing is get my hopes up and then crush them with such force that I’m left gasping for air, feeling defeated.
Why so much blame on the universe, you may ask? Mostly because I have been blaming myself for so many things that have happened in my life that I need to give myself a break and put the blame on someone or something else for a change, or else I’ll crumble and refuse to get out of bed in the morning (which, to be honest, is already quite hard these days). For all of 2018 I’ve been trying to turn my life around and to get closer to the person I would like to be. I tried to be as honest and authentic as I could handle to be, to say things as they are and to not put on a mask which sole purpose would be to please others. I tried to apply the “no bullsh*t”-rule to most aspects of my everyday life (and often didn’t succeed, obviously → read more about it here), because I’m so friggin tired of pretending − life is exhausting as it is, even without playing games.
I’m not saying that I haven’t made any progress at all, because I actually believe I have. I’m nowhere near my end goal but to be fair, I don’t think anyone ever is. I’m not perfect, but I’m willing to put in the work, addressing one tiny issue at a time. Baby steps.
It’s probably not a secret that I struggle with things more than “regular” (whoever defines that sh*t…) people would. I mean, duh! Why else would I have created this blog in the first place, right? My ability to deal with things comes and goes in waves. Right now, I feel utterly unable to deal with being me and it feels like everything is too much to handle. I still get up in the morning and do everything I’m supposed to be doing, having a so-called type A personality, but I feel completely overstimulated. My stress levels are over 9000* and my nerves are completely out of whack. My alarm clock rings and I instantly feel like I’m about to give a presentation in front of a room full of people (which, to me, would be incredibly anxiety-inducing) when in fact, it’s the start of a completely uneventful day. I struggle with stomach pains and all other kinds of digestive issues which I’m going to spare you the details of and I’m prone to compulsive eating, which means that I stuff myself with food regardless of whether I’m hungry or not and without enjoying (sometimes barely even noticing..!) the food I’m eating. This in turn results in more stomach pains and at the end of the day, I feel miserable. I use a number of activities to cope with my anxiety, some of which are cleaning and tidying up the apartment, preparing food and organizing or planning things (my day / week, my wardrobe, my fridge…), perfecting all kinds of things (people love me at work for that), going on long walks with my headphones on to shut out the rest of the world and, last but not least, the previously mentioned unmindful eating. I also sometimes tend to pick my skin in an attempt to purge it, which is unquestionably the worst of all. When I can’t make use of any of these coping mechanisms because the fridge is empty (and the stores are closed) or I have plans or obligations that interfere with them, I feel my anxiety rising. At times, I feel like a rocket right before take-off but without actually taking off because I’m tied to the ground. As a result, I’m on edge, jumpy and easily frightened because of my seemingly heightened senses. Every cell of my body is on the lookout for danger, high on adrenaline and cortisol. Sounds relaxing, doesn’t it?
Wouldn’t you just love to tell me to calm the f*ck down? Believe me, I would love to take that “advice” (I used quotation marks because it isn’t actual advice, contrary to popular belief). Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. But I digress.
The universe’s fault in all of this is that it keeps sending soap opera-worthy situations my way. I often find myself in the middle of such situations, thinking WTF (which, according to Phil Dunphy of the sitcom Modern Family, means “why the face”). I mean, seriously, give me a break! Let me at least recover from my latest setback until you hit me with the next one! Is that too much to ask for?
I swear, I just heard the universe whisper yes…
[Found via this link.]
* “Over 9000” is a popular catchphrase based on an awkwardly translated quote from the Japanese manga anime series Dragon Ball Z that is typically used as an innumerable quantifier to describe a large number of something like “several”, “lots”, “butt loads” and even the metric “ass tonne” [source].