This time around, it took me longer than usually to get to the point at which writing stuff down feels imminent and necessary to me. The current world events make everything else seem utterly unimportant and completely unnecessary to be mentioned, so I didn’t dare to even think about writing and publishing a blog post.
Until the beginning of October, I had given up on regularly reading most of the news because doing so has a tendency to have a rather negative impact on my mental health, as I easily lose faith in humanity (many times a day, if called for).
Sadly, the news suddenly got too important again for me to not be up to date on what’s going on. I will not go into detail about my thoughts on the war in the Middle East, because I’m not at all qualified to do so and there are many voices that should be heard instead. All I will say is that my heart breaks daily for all the unnecessary deaths and injuries (and destruction) on all sides*, and the ridiculous public debate about whether people *deserve* to be bombed in their sleep while not having access to basic necessities, or to be abducted or killed while celebrating together feels quite surreal (in a Black Mirror way) to me. I understand that context and history are not irrelevant, but I strongly believe that discussions should be held at an ethical, humanitarian level. I (naively, maybe) believe that we need to focus on basic human rights: nobody deserves to be the target nor the witness of terrorist attacks, and nobody deserves to be subjected to what the people of Gaza are currently experiencing, while the rest of the world is watching in real time. It pains me deeply to know that we live in a world that allows for all of this to happen. (All the while the planet is aching and in desperate need of drastic environmental measures.)
You can probably tell by this introduction that I feel guilty about moving on to a different subject. At the same time, I believe that it’s still important to talk about the matters of the mind, especially in the context of the collective trauma that the world is experiencing even beyond the “hot spots”**.
[INTERLUDE (AKA subject change)]
This is my current hyperfixation song and it has been for quite a while. It will probably stay that way until I will suddenly be completely sick of it and move on to a different hyperfixation song. 🙃
I just came back from a walk during which I allowed myself to just be with my thoughts for a while. It recently became clear to me that I had been wrong about myself for a big chunk of my adult life. If there was one word with which I used to describe myself without batting an eye, it was anxious. I thought that I was feeling anxious in numerous situations: at work, at home alone, on dates – you name it. In hindsight, I don’t believe that anxiety was(/is) the main issue. It may have been a co-occurring sentiment or the consequence of something else, but anxiety has never been the main event. I now rarely use the word anxious to describe what I am feeling.
Let me back up a little:
I spent most of my adult life, and probably the time before as well, doing things that I don’t particularly enjoy. I was doing what was expected of young adult me: I tried to make it through school in one piece, acted like a social human being, met up with people in bars and clubs, went to parties – and often had a miserable time. I’m not saying that there wasn’t a single enjoyable moment during all of this, but those were accidental by-products rather than the norm. And the interesting part is that I didn’t even know that I was miserable. And if I did, I didn’t know how to navigate this feeling under the societal pressure.
Every time I went out, I spent a lot of time prepping: I did my make-up (fun fact: I used to be a make-up vlog addict and had a huge make-up collection), picked out some clothes, then changed approximately 87 times and had a meltdown over the inadequacy of my outfit (or my inability to feel good wearing it). At this point my mother usually tried to help me but ended up making it much worse by projecting her own (body) insecurities onto me.
As soon as me and my friends arrived at the bar, I had to get a drink. Not because I enjoyed the taste of it, but because simply being at the bar was unbearable to me without the buzz brought on by alcohol, which I wasn’t aware of at the time. Once I started getting a little tipsy, everything seemed immensely easier and therefore more fun. I was less uncomfortable with my surroundings and with being perceived by other people, and I could easily talk to the strange men that would come over to talk to me at some point of the night. However, none of this has ever been truly me, and I only made it through those outings because I carefully hid whom I actually was (with the help of alcohol).
I have always been and still am quite uncomfortable in social settings with more than two people, or even fewer people, if I don’t know them very well. Larger groups are only okay if I’m quite close to all or most of the involved, or a little drunk – which doesn’t seem like a very healthy option. This means that I try to act my way through most social settings, by putting on the mask. Unless I’m tapped out, in which case I will probably be notably quiet or awkward.
When I don’t feel comfortable, it’s useless to rely on my instincts to get through the situation, so I taught myself to resort to tactics and phrases if I need to. It probably goes without saying that this is rather exhausting, which is why I like to avoid the situations that make me uncomfortable and are also not of great use to me personally.
Of course, I’m not oblivious to the fact that it’s sometimes necessary to stretch the comfort zone a little when there’s a benefit to it, but I also believe that trying relentlessly to expand one’s comfort zone is an extremely overrated concept for a lot of people.
The reason why I’m explaining this isn’t for anyone to feel sorry for me. I want those who are like me to feel less alone and everyone else to be aware that there is no one “right” way to live life.
The past couple of weeks, I have allowed myself to live exactly as I feel: I skipped many events, I stayed in all weekend, I didn’t speak to anyone for days if I felt like it, I binge-watched TV series for hours on end, listened to the same old song hundreds of times and rewatched Friends (and Gilmore Girls, and The Big Bang Theory…) for the umpteenth time. I spent hours scrolling on my phone whenever I felt like it.
And you know what?
I’ve been feeling better than I have all my life.
I’m no longer beating myself up about not being social enough, not doing enough in a day, being on my phone too much, watching too much TV, postponing chores and activities to a different day, and so on.
I now know that my base line isn’t being anxious. In fact, anxious only comes after ignoring my own needs and preferences for too long and prioritising what is expected of me and whom I’m supposed to be over everything else.
Allowing myself to be who I am in my own time has been a huge and important first step.
However, like most adults, I have (to have 😅) a job, which has always come with many challenges for me, even though it may not seem so on the surface. It requires loads of social interactions and many occurrences that cause me discomfort or stress, depending on the day. This has improved a little over the years and thus became a bit less of a burden, especially now that I’m part of an awesome team of lovely coworkers. However, I don’t expect myself to ever be fully comfortable in a workplace setting, as workplaces have many elements – by design – that drain me of energy, such as ringing phones (my personal nightmare, especially but not only when I have to answer them) and other various noises that I experience as disruptive.
If you’re familiar with the spoon theory, which is commonly used by the sufferers of chronic illness (Wikipedia: The spoon theory is a metaphor describing the amount of physical and/or mental energy that a person has available for daily activities and tasks, and how it can become limited.), you can imagine that a lot of activities, that other people barely register as an effort, cost me a lot of spoons. This often leaves me with little to no energy to do things I enjoy at the end of the (work)day.
As I unfortunately can’t skip everything that I’m not comfortable with, and as not everything is accessible in a way that would make me more comfortable (e.g. emails > phone calls), I often have no choice but to put on my I’m a capable person mask*** and get it over with, and give away one (or more) precious spoon(s) in the process.
The reason why I’m not comfortable with certain (social) settings varies, but it usually comes down to a lack of predictability and a lack of processing or preparation time. I have no trouble crafting a well-worded email or text, but I’m not quick on my feet in spoken conversation, especially when the topic isn’t one of my personal (and thus well-researched) interests. Likewise, I don’t function well in brain-storming sessions, nor do I do well in situations in which the focus is on me. The latter is also the reason why I dread doctor’s appointments.
I know what you’re thinking: She should just expose herself to these situations more and then it will automatically get easier!
I know that because it’s what I thought as well, and it’s why I eventually sought the help of a therapist about a year and a half ago – so that I could just be “normal”.
But, as it turns out, being “normal” isn’t in the stars for me. “Féier keng op!” (Luxembourgish for “don’t make a fuss!”) just didn’t cut it for me – shocking, right?
So, here I am, at almost 35 years old, trying to figure out how to navigate through life, all the while being (too?) vulnerable on the internet. But don’t worry, I’m no longer all that sad about it, it’s just a difficult (and sometimes lonely) thing to be doing.
And, as I already mentioned above: I’ve been feeling better than I have all my life. 💫
* I added this because people seem to take offence (and suspect anti-semitism) at reading or hearing statements that don’t explicitly mention empathy for the victims on the Israeli side, which I didn’t comprehend at first. (I do now, no need to educate me.)
** There is such a thing as vicarious trauma, which can occur for instance through exposure to disturbing images and traumatic content, which many experience on social media/in news reports these days.
*** Being able to do that is a privilege that not everyone has access to.
Carrot Days 