My (sort of) review of the Netflix limited series One Day (and how it made me feel personally victimised)
** SPOILER ALERT! Don’t read if you haven’t watched/finished One Day yet! **
Disclaimer: In this particular post, which is about a male character from a TV show, and in my personal experience, the F*ckboy is a cis heterosexual man. However, I use the (albeit a bit restrictive) term for anyone who displays the type of behaviour associated with a F*ckboy: women can be F*ckboys (or F*ckgirls, if you wish), and I’ve wondered on occasion whether I (a cis woman) am, in fact, a F*ckboy myself. I definitely was a F*ckboy at least once or twice in the past.
If you’re not familiar with the term “F*ckboy”, you might find some enlightenment on the subject in the Urban Dictionary.
The Netflix series One Day, just like the movie (with the same title) did in 2011, completely shattered me. The story, and the end in particular, is heartbreaking. Apart from that and the fact that it’s well-made and the cast is well-chosen, I felt so much anger when I was watching it.
I was angry because it’s yet another (remake of a) story that teaches women to fall for F*ckboys.
Don’t give up, girls, one day he’ll definitely change!
(Side note: I don’t remember the movie very well and I didn’t read the book, so I don’t know if my anger applies to the movie and the book as well.)
Just like Disney movies and rom-coms have taught us that love at first sight and happily ever after are possible – which I don’t want to negate, but have yet to experience -, One Day depicts another potentially delusional scenario:
The “most handsome and popular guy in school” suddenly notices – love-at-first-sight-style – and takes an interest in “the girl next door”, but then (of course!) moves on to date and/or sleep with what might as well be a billion other women, because he can, all the while keeping the nice, empathic and caring girl next door close, knowing full well that she has feelings for him, and therefore completely disregarding how this whole dynamic impacts her and her feelings. She, of course, plays it cool because he never verbally promised her anything – so who is she to expect anything from him?
And isn’t it nice for him to have this smart, beautiful woman somewhat on the sidelines of his Casanova life, waiting for him to call on her for support, validation or even a plain old hug, if things don’t go as he pleases? That way, he can have his cake and eat it too!
*irony off*
In all fairness, Emma Morley is quite good at standing her ground. She knows who she is, what she wants and what to say to Dexter Mayhew whenever he’s showing too much of his F*ckboy side.
I was particularly impressed by how she told him off after he said the following to her (after she confessed to him that she had fancied him a few years ago, which he was aware of at the time):
I fancy you. But my problem is, I fancy pretty much everyone.
Ummm, okay.
She also does her best to live her life and I’m not saying that everything Dexter does or doesn’t do is problematic, but he’s a constant “possibility” in her life, as it seems that she never truly stops loving him. How could she, when he keeps using his words and actions in ways that don’t quite make him “just” her friend, but also not quite her lover? He benefits from keeping her in this space of maybe one day, because he knows that Emma will always be around for him to fall back on, in case there are no other (better?) options.
A lot of Dexter’s behaviour can be explained by various issues, possibly caused by traumatic events in his life, and, of course, I found myself empathising with him on many occasions. He’s an attractive man with the heart of a wounded child, so you just want to wrap your arms around him and make him whole again. It’s easy to overlook his shitty behaviour because you feel for him. In my experience, this is the modus operandi of the F*ckboy. It’s why, despite everything they put you through, you can’t help but want to be there for them. In typical F*ckboy fashion, however, they usually don’t return the favour.
In this particular story, the impossible happens: after a failed marriage (surprisingly, he was the one being cheated on) – and having a child, Dexter finally chooses Emma. They become a couple, move in together and from that moment on, he’s a total dreamboat, and not just physically, 24/7.
He changed for her.
From what I know, the F*ckboy doesn’t usually change (for love).
Don’t get me wrong, I’d love for this to be true. I have on occasion hoped to be the one special person who’s so important to the F*ckboy that he changes for the better.
I’ve cared for F*ckboys, offered to help and lent a listening ear and a comforting hug many times, but rarely got the same support in return.
I wonder if it’s a universal experience among women* to work (too) hard to be “picked” by men who behave poorly, in order to help these men become better versions of themselves, more precisely to fall in love with potential rather than what’s in front of them.
Are we conditioned to feel and act this way and if so, by whom? Movies? Society? The patriarchy?
Why is it that, instead of knowing our worth and walking out the door at the first (or second) sign of disrespect, we stay, rack our brains to figure out where it went wrong and what we could have done differently, only to try harder the next time things go wrong, and even harder the time after that?
Is it because we were promised the dreamboat ending?
(I’m seriously asking, feel free to share your insights if you have any!)
In any case, let this be your reminder (and my note to self) that it’s not your job to change other people (and in Emma Morley’s/my case men). You’re not responsible for their behaviour, you can’t make anybody change. You can be a kind person and state your own wants and needs and set your boundaries, and if they constantly disrespect or disregard all of this, it isn’t your fault, but it’s your responsibility to make sure there’s consequences.
Being faced with disrespect or ignorant behaviour shouldn’t be your sign to work harder. It’s your sign to direct your focus and energy elsewhere, to people who truly appreciate you – or even just yourself.
You deserve more than breadcrumbs, maybes and lukewarm sentiments.
And keep this in mind the next time you watch a sappy love story: they’re meant to be comforting and to give you instant feel-good vibes, but real-life love stories aren’t automatic successes.
F*ckboys don’t just turn into dreamboats, they have to actively want to and put the work in – which is inherently out of your control.
*I’m speaking from my own experience (as a woman) here.
Carrot Days 