It’s been about a year since I started writing down my thoughts and worries quite consistently. As a result, one of the many notebooks I’ve bought over the years (by the way, does anyone else love buying pretty notebooks even though their purpose is unknown at the moment of purchase..?!) is getting close to being entirely filled with stories and stuff I felt like getting off my chest.
I sometimes re-read some of my scribbles and when doing so, I realise that I now think differently or that a problem that was obviously consuming at some point no longer hurts me now. So in case you were wondering, feelings really do pass! Events that seem like hardships may not always stay that way.
Occasionally, I even come across an entry that doesn’t make sense to me any longer or I get reminded of something that used to be on my mind 24/7, which I hardly think about now.
You may have noticed that I don’t refer to my notebook as a “diary”, simply because I don’t consider it one. In my perception, diaries require daily (or, at the very least, regular) descriptions of events / life happenings. I kept a diary throughout some of my elementary school years and, during the first year of high school, my friends and I had taken on the habit of sharing a diary, which we called “Bréiwerheft” in Luxembourgish (letter booklet in English) at the time − it was basically writing each other letters in a shared notebook and obviously the content was completely boring since we talked to each other at school every day and probably on the phone (on a landline, can you imagine..!) after school, so there wasn’t much left to write about that the other person didn’t already know 🙂 …
Where I’m going with this is that my notebook’s not a diary. It sometimes contains stories and descriptions of events but it’s not as superficial as the diaries I once kept, whose** purpose was to write just for the sake of writing. I now write for the sake of mental wellbeing (and because I like it, so it’s a win-win).
Anyways, without further ado, I hereby present you a non-exhaustive, possibly nonsensical (to you AND me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ *) and most probably incomplete insight into my overactive mind!
The order is chronological (and therefore far from logical 😉 ), from when I started writing things down to this day:
I don’t like unanswered texts.
I should deal with my feelings instead of masking them with humour.
Rational compatibility can’t compensate for a lack of chemistry.
Don’t do things that are not you only to please others.
Publishing blog posts sometimes makes me feel anxious.
Crushes are debilitating!
What if that guy’s “the one that got away”?
Freaking out freaks me out.
Am I stressed because of anxiety or is my stress an indicator that something’s indeed wrong?! Should I trust my gut or am I panicking?
I own too many things.
I went to this event even though I didn’t want to because I felt like I had no legitimate reason to not go.
Running on empty + making plans with extraverts = super hard to handle.
I definitely dodged a bullet there.
FOMO*** is a b*tch.
My personal nightmare is posting grammatical mistakes on social media.
I tried to micromanage a cold.
I think I’ve always been a grown-up, even as a kid.
Being unapologetically me is an awesome feeling.
Some vacations are more successful than others.
I love the creases that form around people’s eyes when they smile.
Do I like this person or the idea of this person?
Drinking a lot of wine without having any food isn’t a smart thing to do.
Kissing (in-)compatibility is a thing.
Other people’s nervous energy affects me negatively.
Did he/she dodge my question on purpose?
I don’t deserve this.
I deserve all of this.
Where did all my energy go?
I’m too much / I’m not enough.
I like him but he also terrifies me for some reason.
I’m mad at myself for losing myself in situations that give me the feeling that I have to prove my worth somehow.
Am I inadequate if I’m not like that?
Is this sense of security real or made up?
I feel like people want to ask a lot of questions but refrain from doing so because they’re afraid of the answers.
Feel free to let me know about your own random thoughts – no need for them to make sense, as I may have demonstrated above 🙂 .
*I couldn’t help it, I’m a huge fan of the “shrug” emoji…
**Apparently “whose” can also refer to objects − seems strange enough to me, but there seems to be no other word.
*** FOMO = fear of missing out